Sometimes the most rewarding feeling one can have is simply saying no. There is no malice intent, no mean spiritedness, and no smugness involved. One just simply says no.
Often people pleasers have a problem saying no and if you do you are wracked with guilt for it. When a people pleaser says no at times they may feel they are letting the person down. They may believe the other person is disappointed in them. Then they start to feel anxious and guilty about it.
There are times when you do say no and the other person starts to question why you said no. This adds to the guilt of initially saying no.
In truth, telling someone no is a complete answer in itself. It doesn’t have to be explained. Others should not push a person if they have said no to something and not made to feel guilty for saying no.
People pleasers often do as much as they can for others. Even to the point of doing too much for others and not enough for themselves. People pleasing is a dangerous personality trait.
You will never please everyone. It just shouldn’t be attempted.
Attempting to please everyone above your needs can make a person crazy. You most likely are doing too much and your personal life could be suffering.
If it comes to that point, it’s smart to say this is all I can do. There isn’t anything wrong with that.
It’s much like when the oxygen masks fall on board an airplane. They say you have to take care of yourself and then your neighbor gets the mask.
It’s not selfish. It’s taking care of your psychological state. Do what you can and then draw a line.
More times than not, people pleasers are taken advantage of. Folks know they can be counted on and will use that for their convenience. Those people usually know what they are doing but are hoping they can continue to get away with it.
Here are a few tips to help one say no and understand its okay:
1) Ask yourself is this person truly wanting help or too lazy to do the request on his/her own.
2) Do these people have my best interests in mind?
3) Am I already doing too much as it is?
4) Is this future request going to cause me undue hardship?
5) Can this request hinder my future plans?
These simple questions can help one figure out if the request is genuine, hurtful to self, and worthwhile for the mutual relationship. Those are important things to consider. If any of the answers to those questions are negative is it really worth it to put yourself through it.
Helping folks is important and we should want to do it for the right reasons. However, we can overload ourselves with too much. We may forget to take care our needs too. The people that matter most to us should not mind us occasionally answering with no. They should recognize there is a legitimate reason and respect it. Our friends and family will hopefully be at the top of this list.
Having a group of people that recognize our needs is important. We should be concerned with the wellbeing of folks in our circle. If mutual respect is given we may better come to understand one another and deepen our relationships.
This in itself is humbling.